August 27, 2012

I Wasn't Smiling

I am one messed up puppy. I've mentioned before that I've struggled with depression since the dawning of time, or rather, since I was about 12. It comes in waves so it's not a 24/7 thing but this week it's been pretty bad. The saddest part is I almost have no real reason to be sad and it's so frustrating to me!

On Saturday I went to the theatrical play, Bye Bye Birdie, with Adam and we had a great time, but even throughout, I could tell I was having a hard time staying happy. It was like happiness was a pile of sand in my hands and even though I was holding it, I could feel it slowly slipping through my fingers. It gives me this panicky feeling, like the only candle in a dark room is slowly flickering out and I know the inevitable darkness will soon overtake me.

So when the night was ending and it was time for Adam to go home, I knew I was going to lose it. This is kind of personal, and I'm not really sure why I'm sharing this, but as I tried to smile and say goodbye, I could feel my mouth twitching down and my eyes start to water. All ability to make a coherent sentence went out the window and I couldn't hide any emotion anymore.

Adam handled the situation gracefully (that man has so much patience with me) and I was so mad at myself for being so upset for no reason. My father always reminded me that being logical was usually the best way to react and that being emotional was pointless, and here I was being pointlessly emotional.

The next day was almost as bad, but after church was over, I was able to get myself back in control. After a particularly good lesson on not judging others, I went into the bathroom. The place was empty so I gazed at myself in the mirror and thought, there's something wrong with my face. I stared longer till I realized what was wrong: I wasn't smiling. So I stood there till my smile started to form back on my face. I looked 50x better than I had when I first walked in, looking like some tragic story. I started to feel better too.

The rest of the day I tried to keep that smile on and let me tell you, the saying "fake it till you make it" is one of the truest mottoes out there. By the end of that day I was so happy and back to my normal self.

I really don't know why I'm sharing this, maybe I'll just look back on it later when I really need it. Maybe I just need to write about my feelings so they don't get so bottled up.

Either way, happy day to you and you.

1 comment:

  1. Good for you for sharing this. I struggled with this at one point in my life...and it was constant..for months. Until I figured out that after becoming sad, I had been choosing to stay sad. Attitude is everything. I'm so glad you are feeling better! :) I hope you are doing well!